Wednesday, February 20, 2013

CONCLUSION- Judas Kiss

         It's 5:30 in the morning. I have been sleeping in my son's room for the last three weeks, watching and waiting for it. He awoke suddenly and starting to cry ;
        "Mommy! Mommy! Where are you? Don't leave mommy!" Owen crying out in the darkness pleaded.
I awoke suddenly, and feared the worst.
       "Owen, Owen, honey; mommy's right here, I'm here honey. I am not going anywhere. I am right beside you!" I comfortingly reassured my five year old child.
       I grabbed him and wrapped my arms around him and took him in my lap and started to rock him. His oceanic blue eyes now clouded and sparse, as if no one was there, like Owen was not there. I rocked him for hours, he fell asleep on and off. The sun began to rise and peek through his bedroom window. He woke up and looked into my eyes.
        "Mommy, what is heaven like? Are Auntie Jo-Jo and Gram and Pop-pop and Melanie and Daddy there? Are they waiting for me?" He looked at me with all seriousness and hope in his eyes.
       "Owen my love, they are all there." I looked down at my son, with tears streaming like waterfalls down my hot cheeks. "I know that heaven will be the most beautiful place that you have ever seen. Do you remember went we went to Hawai'i last year for your fourth birthday? Heaven is like that. Melanie will be there wagging her tail and licking your face to pieces!" I said trying to be brave for my son.
         He and I sat there for hours crying and talking and laughing. I made him his favorite sandwich, grilled cheese, for lunch. I could see him wasting away from the cancer and the chemotherapy that he was diagnosed with last year. He has suffered much in his little life. We were in the middle of watching Disney's Brave, when he asked me to lower the volume and rock him while he took a nap. I did as he asked because I knew his strength was leaving him fast. After the movie finished, he looked up and me, and almost in a whisper spoke to me.
         "Mommy, Daddy is here. So is Auntie Jo-Jo, Gram and Pop-pop." Owen said as he struggled to point to the corner of the room where there was nothing except a big teddy bear. Tears were now pouring out of my eyes.
         "What are they saying to you Owen? How are they doing? Can you tell Daddy I love him and to make sure he takes care of you until Mommy comes to heaven too? I tried to sniffle my tears and be brave for Owen.
         "Daddy says he loves you mommy and misses you everyday. Pop-pop says he watches you while you sleep and takes care of you. Daddy told me that I can visit you everyday if I want, but he wants me to tell you that he has come to take me now. " He turned away from the corner and looked at me with tears in his eyes. "Mommy, Daddy says I have to give you one last kiss. He wants me to kiss you and let you know not to cry for me, that I won't be in anymore pain and I won't be sick anymore, like he was before he left. So mommy, I feel brave now. Can I kiss you?" Owen asked as he tried to wipe away his tears.
         I looked at him. No words would come from my lips. They had fallen silent. My brain was screaming not to kiss him and let him go, my heart ached to let him free of his pain. I was torn, I want to keep my son always and forever, but in my heart as a mother, I knew . I knew there was no way he could stay. I made a choice that I would regret until the day I die. I felt like I betrayed myself, and my son. But I had to be brave too.
          "Owen honey, mommy loves you very much. No matter what happens. Let me give you one last kiss and hug." My heart stopped beating and sank to my toes. Owen turned around slowly towards me. He kissed me one last time on the lips and cheek. Then gave me the biggest bear hug he could afford to give. Slowly and slowly, I could feel his grip loosening. Until he fell limp into my arms. He was gone. I hugged the lifeless body in my arms and looked out the window to the setting sun. A white dove flew onto the window and sat there until the sunset. I knew the dove was Owen sitting with me. Another whit dove flew up sat a few seconds and left. I knew that was my Danny taking his son home. I placed my baby on his bed under the covers, walked over to the window where the sun was setting and watched the doves fly off until they were specks in the sky.
              In a low whisper, I said, "Happy fifth birthday Owen!" And then I closed the curtains.




                                                                    THE   END.
     

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